Thank goodness that the path to good-enough nurture for our children is a long and winding road. And that many detours, some due to major impediments, can lead us back to a good-enough destination. Some do not.
We may understand that effectively nurturing our children builds trust, hope, and healthy connection with the self and others . . .
And we may know that nurturing our children prevents self-loathing, despair, and hopelessness . . .
And we may also know that children fail to thrive not only due to physical problems like disease or malnutrition but also from emotional deprivation.
And still, no comprehensive guideline to raising healthy children yet exists.
As Selma Fraiberg reminds us, there are no easy answers to the riddle of good-enough parenting: There are no household hints, directions before using, or universal antidotes to be prescribed in the rearing of a child. It is the quality of our understanding, often the intuitive understanding of a parent who is in intimate rapport with her/his child, that provides us with the right method at critical moments.
Pia Mellody, a preeminent theorist, lecturer, and educator in the fields of intimacy and addiction, also broadly defines childhood trauma: Anything that is not nurturing is abuse.
Other experts concur:
The core of trauma is feeling afraid and alone. - Jon Allen
We are not the survival of the fittest, we are the survival of the nurtured. - Louis Cozoline
Pia Mellody provides some basic truths, which we have added to and divided, to guide this critical and complex responsibility of loving, guiding, and nurturing children.
ALL children are naturally valuable, no less-than or better-than others any other.
Born without capacity to meet their own needs, children are vulnerable and therefore require nurturing and protection and soothing.
Children are uniquely unable to assess context, especially when they are confused or afraid. Caretakers are therefore responsible for metabolizing their big fears: a robber or a monster trying to break in can be contextualized as a twig tapping on the window.
Because children are naturally imperfect, it is okay that they make mistakes, it is important that we support them as they fail better. As is well said in a recent Instagram post, When you criticize your kids, they don’t stop loving you; they stop loving themselves.
Because children are naturally immature, we must avoid expecting them to act more responsible or reasonable than can be expected of a child their age, or by allowing behavior beneath their age level.
Because children are naturally dependent and vulnerable, they have little awareness of appropriate physical and emotional boundaries. Teaching children about healthy boundaries may first require that we review those parameters ourselves! We must then encourage children to practice holding appropriate space, especially through their primary relationship with us.
Don’t miss the good news in our next serving The Brain and Trauma, where we learn that through consistent, healthy connection it is possible to begin to repair the prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain that mediates—among other things—self-regulation, trust, and empathy! Also repairable are the hippocampus and the amygdala, both instrumental in the processing of positive emotions and positive memories! If our nature is to survive at all costs, and it is, then nurture will assure that we have what we need to take care of ourselves and others.
(Also See: the Good Enough Childhood)
Resources: Facing Codependence, Pia Mellody
The Magic Years: Understanding and Handling the Problems of Early Childhood
Selma Fraiberg
The Five Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively,
Gary Chapman
The Blessing of the Skinned Knee, Wendy Mogel
What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During, And After Divorce,
Judith Wallerstein