“When you consider all the time and energy we spend fruitlessly trying to control our pain and avoid negative experiences, and then weigh the painful result, we know that making an effort to do something radically different is worth it.”
Top Three Reasons Why People Don't Come to Therapy
#1
“Instead of Therapy, I can read a book on better communication skills."
If that was the answer, divorce would not be a national epidemic, especially damaging our children who we most want to protect. While communication skills certainly help resolve conflict, they are often the tip of the pinecone.
Good therapy improves intimacy which is the single highest contributor to happiness: trustworthy, respectful, safe, kind interaction.
Healthy intimacy is also the most complex challenge we face.
Fact #1
Relational rules were laid in to your infant consciousness ages 0 to 3 and usually continue to be the (often unconscious) template for current relationships. Yikes.
#2
“Instead of Therapy, I just need to keep training for the marathon, eat organic, walk on eggshells, fix my house, fix my partner, take my meds, cleanse, do more yoga, minimize possessions, lose weight, buy the perfect (fill in the blank), take naps, get a face lift, find my dream partner…“
Spending time and money in attempts to control our environment, our future, and control other people distracts us from developing real control: the control within ourselves, which finally quiets our anxiety.
Fact #2
Neurons that fire together wire together, especially in trauma, and even more especially in early childhood trauma. Yikes, because those same neural networks keep triggering (often inappropriately) in the here-and-now.
#3
“Instead of Therapy, I talk to my friends and/or family about my problems; its more comfortable and much cheaper.”
Would you have friends plan or build your house? How about perform open heart surgery?
Though you will share deep affection and trust with your therapist, a good therapist is not the same as a good friend. In therapy, you are paying for expert guidance, interpretation, encouragement, and challenge, all specific to you.
Fact #3
We usually choose the ways we protect ourselves when we are very young and, at that time, had about three options from which to choose. And then we stick with those defenses, like life rafts in deep water. Yikes, because we have better choices as adults than the (now maladaptive) choices we made as children.
“[Before] I leave this world, one thing I wish the world to know is that human contact is made by the connection of skin, eyes, voice tone. These are the things that taught us before we had words.”
